Lately, with so many couples in my age group splitting up left, right, and centre, I keep hearing that line from Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got to Do with It in my head and wondering…
Is it actually love that makes relationships last?
Valentine’s Day has never really been my thing.
Cards and themed confectionery appear the moment Christmas ends. Overpriced flowers destined for the compost. It all feels like another commercial grab — a bit contrived. If I’m honest, I’d rather buy a big block of chocolate for myself and get my money’s worth.
But the day does make me curious. And so does love.
Because beyond the red wrapping and marketing hype sits a question we don’t often ask out loud:
Why do some relationships stand the test of time while others fizzle?
Why do some people flit from partner to partner?
I realised something about this recently — not during a romantic gesture, but while being yelled at by one of my five boys.
“I HATE YOU!”
Not exactly the Valentine’s vibe.
Years ago I would have felt hurt. Guilty. Like the worst mum in the world. Now I don’t take it personally, because I’ve had a profound realisation.
When a child shouts “I hate you,” what they really mean is:
I hate how you’re making me feel right now.
You said no to more screen time.
No to the sleepover.
No to junk food.
No to the party.
Suddenly they feel disappointed, powerless, frustrated — emotions they don’t want to feel. And because those feelings are uncomfortable, they push them outward with blame.
“I hate you.”
They don’t hate you.
They hate that feeling.
And that got me thinking…
If someone says “I hate you” when what they really mean is I hate how you’re making me feel, could the same be true for love?
Do we feel loving towards someone mainly when what they say or do makes us feel good inside ourselves?
You might notice children say “I love you” most when they feel special — when they’ve been seen, acknowledged, given attention, or had a need met.
Adults aren’t that different.
In the beginning of relationships there’s a buzz — feeling chosen, understood, wanted. But over time things become normal. Sometimes even bland. The spark dims.
And when the feeling changes… we assume the love has gone.
So when we say “I love you,” do we mean:
I love you for who you are — with deep care, respect, and admiration?
Or are we actually saying:
I love the way you make me feel right now?
It reminds me of the line from What Is Love —
Baby, don’t hurt me.
Because if our sense of love depends on another person constantly keeping us feeling good, we’re probably setting ourselves up to be hurt. And that relationship is unlikely to last.
But what if…
What if we became more comfortable feeling the whole range of emotions — the pleasant ones like joy and connection, and the uncomfortable ones like disappointment and frustration?
Then it wouldn’t matter so much if someone else triggered those feelings in us. We wouldn’t panic and assume the relationship was broken or that there was something wrong with the other person.
Maybe lasting love has less to do with constant good feelings… and more to do with being able to stay present with the hard ones.
So whether you celebrate Valentine’s Day or ignore it, perhaps it can simply be a reminder to show love to someone you care about.
Tell them something you admire in them.
A strength you notice.
Something you appreciate but haven’t said.
A partner. A parent. A child. A friend.
Because when we practise loving — rather than just chasing the feeling of being loved — something steadier grows.
So maybe the real question isn’t what’s love got to do with it?
Maybe Tina was wrong.
Maybe love has everything to do with it.
Not the butterflies.
Not the buzz.
Not the red-wrapped chocolates.
But the willingness to sit with discomfort instead of blaming someone else for it.
The courage to love someone for who they are — not just for how they make you feel.
Maybe that’s what makes something fulfilling and long-lasting.
And maybe that’s what love’s actually got to do with it.
By Katie Oliver from True in Nature Bush School – Connection | Wonder | Discovery.
Katie Oliver BA (Hons, first class) PE Ed; BTSM; Educator and Parent Coach. Exploring, discovering, and connecting with the natural world and our true selves. trueinnature.com